True American®

His shirt said: I'M A PATRIOT. ARE YOU?

"Anymore," he said, "you can't tell who is a real McCoy, stars-and-stripes American in this country and who is just a liberal, lefty, light-beer sucking pretender." He pronounced it PREEE-tender, and his upper lip curled when he said it. "But before you can be a True American®, you've got to answer these simple questions I have here in front of me." He tapped the white sheet of paper lying on the table between us. "After each question there are two boxes. One of the boxes says YES. The other says NO. If I check the box that says YES, it means you're a True American®. If I check the box that says NO, it means you're not.

"Got it?" he asked me.

"Crystal clear," I replied.

"OK. Let's get started." There was a yellow pencil next to the sheet of paper. He picked it up. "Are you for or against the Second Amendment?"

"Definitely for," I replied. "I still have the shotgun given to me on my 12th birthday. I was along when my dad bought it at Ace Hardware. Now I'll admit I don't clean the gun as often as I should, and I'm such a crummy shot, PETA has asked me to be a member. But 35 years later, it still works like a charm."

"Spoken like a True American®," he said, taking the pencil and placing a heavy black X in the YES box.

"You bet. Of course," I continued, "the Supreme Court blew it when it overturned the ban on handguns in Chicago. And like any rational person, I am against assault weapons. You'd have to be half nuts to want to own something like that. The only people who should be allowed to bear those arms are cops and members of the military."

There was a long pause during which he cocked his head to one side and then the other. Finally, he erased the X in the YES box and drew an X in the NO box. "You should have quit while you were ahead," he said and gave me kind of a half-smile. "Not to worry, though. You'll do better on this question: Are you for or against illegal immigration?"

"Oh, that's easy," I replied. "I am definitely against illegal immigration. Our southern border is a giant sieve. The wind has a harder time getting across."

"So right you are," he said, marking the YES box.

"Sure enough. Of course," I continued, "it's not like America has a monopoly on smart, hardworking people. If we want to remain the biggest economic power in the world, we'll need all the smart, hardworking, legal immigrants we can get from Mexico and every other corner of the globe. Instead of passing racial-profiling laws, the citizens of Arizona should be figuring out how to do that."

Again, there was a long pause during which he looked at me and softly clucked his tongue. "You know," he eventually said as he erased the X he had made in the YES box before putting an X in the NO box, "just a simple yes or no, for or against, is enough. You don't have to say anything more."

I nodded.

"Good," he said. His voice seemed to brighten. "You're off to a tough start. I got to be honest. But you still have a chance to be a True American® depending on how you answer this question: Are you for or against the War on Terror?"

"This one is in the bag," I replied. "I am definitely for the War on Terror. There are people who want to do us harm. That is a fact. We can't let them."

"Couldn't have said it better myself," he said. The X he placed in the YES box was the biggest he had made yet.

"Heck yes. Of course," I continued, "some people say we can't leave Iraq or Afghanistan until we finish the job. That's bull. Our soldiers finished the job. They defeated al-Qaida. They defeated Saddam. They liberated Iraq and Afghanistan and have helped them to establish democratic governments. That was the job they were sent to do, and that was the job they did. Now it's time for them to come home before any more of them die."

He never bothered to erase the X in the YES box. Instead, he tossed the yellow pencil on the table and slowly folded the sheet of paper and slid it into his shirt pocket. "There are some more questions," he said. "Abortion. Ethanol. The deficit. School prayer. A couple of others. But I see no point in asking them. It's apparent you don't have what it takes to be a True American®. I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "You know," I said, "it's too bad you didn't ask me if I am for or against people who think anyone who doesn't believe what they believe is somehow less of an American than they are and who use patriotism to divide people or to intimidate them or – worst of all – to con them in a shameless effort to make a buck. If you had asked me that question, I am positive I would have gotten it right."

His eyes narrowed. "Are you certain?"

I picked up the pencil. "Definitely."