A recent survey asked Americans whether they considered certain items to be either necessities or luxuries. For 62 percent of the almost 3,000 people polled, a landline telephone is a necessity.
These people must be getting better phone calls than I am. Anymore, the only calls I seem to get are from long-distance telephone companies begging me to switch. Something about that strikes me as tragically ironic.
Of those polled, 55 percent think an air conditioner is a necessity.
Clearly, these people do not live in South Dakota
Forty-five percent of those polled said a microwave is a necessity.
Hoping to avoid angioplasty, I've started eating celery like they're Slim Jims. Celery should never be served hot.
A television is a necessity for 42 percent of those polled.
I'm a Chicago Cubs fan. They never win. Watching them is worse than watching "The Bachelor." A TV to me isn't a necessity. It's a curse.
The survey by the Pew Research Center
§ A couch: Sunday afternoons would otherwise be spent on the floor.
§ A hat: I know of no law that says a man has to shower every day.
§ Good neighbors: Misery for me is looking out my window and seeing two feet of snow blanketing my driveway. Joy is seeing the person who lives next door turn his snowblower in my direction.
§ A dog: On those days when life pounds me into the ground like a garden stake, it helps to come home to a friendly face.
§ A delete button: I am a wealth of stupidity sometimes.
§ Sacrifice: In it is everything else – devotion, honor, courage – that is good.
§ The poets: They are my compass. They point the way.
§ An apology: If you say "I do" (like I did 25 years ago), from time to time you'll have need to say "I'm sorry."
§ A newspaper: It doesn't keep the bad guys honest. Nothing does that. But it lets me know what they're up to.
§ Kids: The investment is steep, but the return is phenomenal.
§ A short memory: We ought not to dwell on disappointment. Bitterness blinds us to beauty.
§ Her: Left to my own devices, I'm a damn mess. She makes certain neither happens.