After seeing in this newspaper the list of clever vanity license plates some South Dakotans have, I've decided to get one myself.
Torn between IH8BRAN and SNOWSUX, I asked my wife what she thought. She suggested HORRIBLYFLAWED.
Funny woman I married.
When I told her that vanity plates cannot be longer than seven letters, she closed the book she was reading, pursed her lips and studied me like I was a museum exhibit. "OK," she said. "How about BIGDUME? That's seven letters exactly."
Sensing in the woman a sharp disinterest in the conversation we were having, I hopped out of bed and e-mailed my oldest son in northern Minnesota
His response popped up seconds later. "Got a better idea," the message said. "DRILSGT."
Failing to find the humor in that, I e-mailed his younger brother in Nebraska
I was tempted to send both this suggestion in case they ever get vanity plates themselves: DISOWND. Instead, at church the next day as he and I were shaking hands after the service, I told the pastor about my plan to get a set of vanity plates and asked what he would recommend.
"PRAY4ME," he said.
The man must have noticed the color draining from my face. "Lying is a sin," he shrugged. "What choice did I have?"
I didn't like the direction this was going. Still, when I went to the doctor a couple days later, I decided to seek her advice. The woman took an oath to care for my well-being. I figured she had to suggest something helpful.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I know just what you should put on your license plates," she said at the end of my appointment. "I'll write it on the back of this prescription for cholesterol medication." Outside, I looked at what she wrote: "OVRWAIT."
Frustrated, I began asking everyone I met what they thought should be stamped on my plates.
I asked my mechanic as he handed me the keys to my truck. "IMASUKR," he grinned, fingering his Rolex and nodding at my bill.
I asked some subscribers to this newspaper as they had coffee at a local cafe. "WINDBAG," they crowed.
I asked my students as I was teaching them the difference between gerund and participle phrases: "ZZZZZZZ," they yawned.
I asked a kid at my door after I told him I wasn't interested in buying the popcorn he was selling. "TITEWAD," he muttered.
I asked my high school basketball coach. "Who is this again?" he barked into the phone. I repeated my name and reminded him of the year I played for him: 1981. There was a short pause. "4GETABL," he growled and hung up.
I asked the teller at the bank as I deposited my paycheck. "UNDRPAD," she answered through the intercom.
I asked my dentist after he stuck a series of sharp metal objects in my mouth. "GUMDZEZ," he scolded.
I asked my brothers while we were out hunting. "That's easy," they smiled. "MISFIRE."
About to give up, I turned to the one person I've always been able to count on to sing my praises. "Of course I'll help you," my mom said as I sat down at her kitchen table. "Let's see. What do you think of this one? 2BZE2CAL."
I thought about telling her it was one letter too long.
But I didn't.
I think I'll just keep the plates I got.