On the air

Figuring he can't be any worse than what we've got now, my fishing buddy has decided to run for office. In his first official act he asked me to be his campaign manager in exchange for two dozen night crawlers and a cooler of beer. In his second he told me to telephone the local radio station so he could announce his candidacy on the air and field some questions from voters. In case you missed it, what follows is a transcript of that event.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: So I understand you've joined the race.

FISHING BUDDY: That's right. Care to hear my campaign slogan? "VOTE FOR ME. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?" My campaign manager thought that up just before snapping his line. What he said then should never be repeated.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: What convinced you to run?

FISHING BUDDY: The morning headlines.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Fair enough. Let's take some calls from the audience. Murdo, South Dakota, you're on the air.

MURDO: How do you plan to reduce the deficit?

FISHING BUDDY: I'm glad you asked that, Murdo. (FB reaches into his shirt pocket, removes what looks like a crumpled newspaper clipping and unfolds it.) We need to stop our frivolous and wasteful spending. We're spending borrowed money at an alarming rate, and if we don't change our ways, we're going to bankrupt this country. For the sake of our children and grandchildren, we have to live within our means. South Dakota families don't spend what they don't have. Neither should government. (FB looks at me and winks.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Houghton, South Dakota, you're on the air.

HOUGHTON: How do you plan to lower health care costs?

FISHING BUDDY: I'm glad you asked that, Houghton. (FB reaches into the front pocket of his blue jeans and pulls out what looks like another crumpled newspaper clipping.) Skyrocketing health care costs are threatening the future of our nation. We have individuals and businesses in our state that cannot afford quality health care. This is a serious problem, and we have to fix it because the status quo is unsustainable. If we want to keep our communities strong, we must ensure everyone has access to quality, affordable health care. (FB grins. It is the exact same smile he has when the bluegills are biting.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Castlewood, South Dakota, you're on the air.

CASTLEWOOD: How do you plan to fix Social Security?

FISHING BUDDY: I'm glad you asked that, Castlewood. (FB slips off his left shoe. I see the newspaper clipping inside the shoe, but before I do, I see his big toe sticking out of a hole in his sock.) This is a big issue. The problem of Social Security and how to solve it is on the minds of people everywhere. Now more than ever, people are looking for a leader who is willing to step forward and offer real solutions to the problems we are facing. It all comes down to getting our priorities straight. (FB flashes me the thumbs up sign.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Dell Rapids, South Dakota, you're on the air.

DELL RAPIDS: How do you plan to improve education?

FISHING BUDDY: I'm glad you asked that, Dell Rapids. (I'm wondering which piece of clothing FB will remove now. I'm hoping it's not his other shoe. So I'm relieved – though only slightly – when he takes off his lucky cap and another newspaper clipping falls out.) I'm committed to improving education. Education is the foundation of economic development, and economic development is the key to job growth. We have great teachers in South Dakota dedicated to the education of the children in this state. We need to do whatever we can to support them. (FB acts like he is reeling in a fish. I'm starting to regret my decision.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Vermillion, South Dakota, you're on the air.

VERMILLION: Do you think we're a bunch of idiots?

FISHING BUDDY: I'm glad you asked that, Vermillion. (FB starts to reach into his back pocket but stops.) Wait. What was the question?

VERMILLION: None of your plans contain specific solutions to the problems you claim they'll fix. Oh, they sound nice, and they seem real, but there isn't a drop of substance in any of them. They have the depth of a shadow. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you've stolen the scripts of some of South Dakota's other politicians and are doing nothing but parroting their mumbo jumbo. (FB looks at me. Now it's my turn to grin.)

FISHING BUDDY: I'm sorry, Vermillion, but it looks like I've got to go. My campaign manager is motioning to me that we're out of time. (Of course I'm doing nothing of the sort. Like fishing, the action is just beginning to get good.)